


Being As In Love With You As I Am

by sweetly_disposed



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bookworm Louis, Football Player Harry, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-01
Updated: 2013-07-01
Packaged: 2017-12-16 19:38:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/865816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetly_disposed/pseuds/sweetly_disposed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every so often, Harry's resolve will break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being As In Love With You As I Am

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is my own original work, please do not post it anywhere else on the internet without my express permission.

Every so often, Harry’s resolve will break.

He doesn’t mean for it to happen, and he isn’t given any warning as to when it will happen, but sometimes the need gets too much…and he cracks.

That’s how he’s found himself here, in the last cubicle of the boys bathrooms in the second floor corridor, next to the science labs.

It was easy to find him, Harry knew exactly where he’d be. The library, as usual. All it had taken was one loaded look, and then _he_ was following Harry at a safe pace. Harry had felt his eyes burning into his back.

Harry groans softly as a hand slips down past his waist, over his hip, his thigh, and he tips his head back to rest against the cold tiled wall. He knows this is wrong; he has a girlfriend. This must be a secret. If anyone found out about this it would ruin him, and more importantly, his reputation.

But, God, what he feels for Melanie is nothing compared to what he feels for Louis.

Louis Tomlinson- the geek with the glasses. A soft smile and softer skin that had enticed Harry the first time he had come to one of Harry's football games and sat on the bleachers purely out of curiosity. Louis was the shy one; he kept his head down and studied hard. Harry was in the popular circle, preferred to be on the field than in a classroom, assumed a stud by his teammates…but there was something about Louis. Something about the smaller boy in the glasses and the beanie that had captured Harry and wouldn’t let him go.

Harry knows what they have is dangerous and wrong, but he _needs_ Louis. It’s more than just lust. Harry honestly cares for him, looks out for him around school, and Louis tries to do the same for him. This thing they have has never been put into words. They don’t want to define it, put it in a box and label it. They don’t understand it, but it’s theirs.

It’s always like this when they do eventually get together, rough and needy, hands and lips all over until they’re both panting from lack of air. It doesn’t happen often; once every few weeks, until neither of them can stand it any longer and they seek each other out, stalking the halls like caged animals until they find one another. They’re careful where they go, careful not to go to the same place twice, and they choose their moments wisely. It’s only here, now, when they’re alone, that they can be themselves.

There's always something hanging over them, though. Something that they never mention, but both feel weighing them down. Every touch, every kiss is sacred, not to be wasted, because they can’t be here for long, and sooner or later Harry will have to leave and resume his role as one half of the most popular couple in school. They cling to each other in this damp and dingy bathroom with a desperation that leaves bruises. Louis dots small kisses down Harry’s neck, and Harry runs a hand up and down the other boy’s back. They kiss with a fiery heat, needy, trying to taste as much of each other as possible in this short time that they have with each other. Hands roam, lips part and tongues slide together as they stand together in the tiny, cramped cubicle.

Harry’s hands move to Louis’ waist, gripping his white school shirt in his fingers and tugging, pulling it out of his waistband. Louis’ skin is hotter under his layers of clothes and Harry strokes his stomach and sides, revelling in the warmth. Louis sighs into his mouth and slows the kiss so their mouths move languidly, slowly.

It’s only when Harry’s hands move to the front of Louis’ trousers and flick open the button that he breaks the kiss.

"Don’t," Louis says softly, resting their foreheads together.

“Please," Harry whispers back, kissing his cheek gently. “Please. Want you."

"What if someone comes in?"

"Fuck ‘em."

"You know it’s a bad idea."

Harry kisses Louis again. “Don’t you want to?"

Doubt flickers in Louis’ eyes and he sighs, pulling away, his arms dropping from Harry’s waist to his sides. “I can’t."

"Why not?"

Louis frowns. “You know damn well why not."

But Harry only leans forward, pushing Louis into the opposite wall, one hand on his stomach and the other undoing the top of his trousers. Louis watches, doesn’t stop him. They’ve never gone further than a few quick hand jobs, but this time Harry drops to his knees on the bathroom floor.

Louis clutches at his shoulders as he takes him into his mouth, one hand over his own mouth to stifle his moans. It doesn’t take long; Harry holds his gaze, looking up at him through heavy lidded eyes and Louis comes quickly and with a a strangled cry, thighs trembling, and Harry is pushed over the edge just by how good Louis taste, smells, and he comes in his trousers like he’s fourteen again. He tucks him back into his boxers and straightens up, playing with his Louis’s school tie until he’s got his breath back.

"I think…" Louis says eventually, averting his gaze. “I think we need to stop doing this."

And Harry’s heart clenches. He swallows with some difficulty, the taste of Louis still on his tongue. It’s not the first time Louis has said this, but his voice is different this time, like someone is choking him.

"Harry. Did you hear me? I said-"

"I heard," Harry says, eyes firmly closed. “Don’t. Don’t say stuff like that to me."

"But-"

"No. I can’t, Lou. I can’t stop it."

There’s a long pause, and then Louis is kissing him softly, a hand cupping the back of his neck.

"I don’t know how much longer I can do this," Louis whispers, but Harry’s still got his eyes shut. He hears him zip up his trousers and leave the bathroom. 

 

****

 

He thinks Louis will avoid him after that, and he does. For a while. Two weeks later, after they’ve been skulking around each other at school, Louis pushes Harry behind the bike sheds and kisses him until he can’t breathe, a firm hand grasping his dick, swallowing his moans.

 

****

 

The first time they have sex is when Melanie turns up at school wearing Harry’s necklace, telling anyone who will listen in a loud voice how she and Harry are going to the end of term Summer Ball together, and that night is the night they’ll finally lose their virginity to each other.

Harry tries to keep the grimace off of his face as he's paraded around by Melanie, but he knows Louis sees. Louis knows him too well by now, and Harry knows he understands perfectly. At the end of the day, Louis holds Harry's eye as he walks past, glances back over his shoulder as he leaves the school doors. Harry swallows heavily, then shuts his locker door and follows. 

Harry follows Louis all the way to his home, and Louis takes his hand and takes him upstairs. His eyes are fiery, touch possessive even as he undresses Harry carefully. They take it slow, Louis hovering over Harry, sucking claiming marks into the side of his neck, and Harry is glad of the sting of his lips, loves Louis taking him like this and knows that this is exactly how he wanted his first time to be. 

Harry cries into Louis’ shoulder afterwards, and Louis doesn’t say anything, just rubs a hand up and down his back.

 

****

 

Louis doesn’t speak to Harry for a month after that, and Harry _aches_ for him. He sees Louis in the corridor at school, in the cafeteria, by his locker, and he actively goes to the library to look for him, but as soon as Louis sees him he moves. No matter how much Harry stares at the back of his head, he doesn’t turn around. If he does make eye contact, Harry will give him the look that would usually have him following Harry to the nearest secluded spot, but now Louis just shakes his head slowly, sadly.

Harry feels like he’s carrying rocks in the pit of his stomach. He needs Louis again, needs to feel him around him, over him, under him, inside him, he needs it so badly. But Louis just looks at him in that sad, disappointed way, and the fire in Harry’s stomach is extinguished, replaced with heavy guilt.

 

****

 

Harry realises one night, as Melanie shifts closer to him and cuddles under his arm while they watch a film, that he’s in love with Louis. He remembers how Louis looked at him as they lay together in his bed and thinks that maybe he was slower in realising that small fact than Louis was.

 

****

 

Exams roll around, so Harry actually has an excuse for being in the library (the librarian kicked him out the last time he was in here because he hadn’t actually been using the library, he’d been looking for Louis instead. She comes over every ten minutes now to not-so-subtly check that he’s doing actual work) and he works as hard as he can. The pressure is mounting for him to decide what course he wants to take for his final year so he can do what he wants at Uni. If Harry is honest with himself he thinks he’d rather take a year out after all this, get a job, earn some money. Melanie has other plans for them. Her choices for next year are exactly the same as Harry’s; she’s made sure that wherever she goes, Harry goes with her.

Harry’s midway through his essay when he gets that nagging feeling that someone is watching him. He looks up and around, and it doesn’t take long before his eyes are locking with Louis’. They stare at each other for a moment, and then Louis is getting up, packing his things away. Harry heart sinks, but then Louis glances over his shoulder as he leaves, a little smile tugging at his mouth, and Harry can’t pack up his books quick enough.

He follows Louis, eyes roving up and down the back of him hungrily. Louis leads him to the bathrooms at the back of the drama studios and as soon as they’re locked in a stall Harry is crowding him against one of the cold metal walls and pushing his mouth on his, moving a hand down to palm his cock through his school trousers.

"Harry," Louis gasps, and oh, Harry has missed the sound of his voice. “Harry, slow down."

Harry ignores him, because he can’t, he can’t go slower, it’s been too long. He’s needed this for weeks now, and Louis wants it to be slow? No. He palms him to full hardness, his own cock straining in his trousers, and Louis is panting into his mouth.

"Lou," he mutters back. “Lou..."

"M’sorry," Louis says. “Sorry for ignoring you, it was stupid of me." And Harry could cry, because he knows then that they’ll work it out, they’ll find a way, and it will be okay. All they need is each other.

Louis’ hand is on his cock now, unzipping his fly and pulling it out, his palm warm and firm around him. Harry groans at his touch and unzips his trousers as Louis sucks a mark into his neck that is clearly a claiming mark. It only takes a minute before Harry is coming in Louis’ hand, Louis following soon after. Harry clutches Louis close, his head resting in the crook of Harry’s neck.

"Don't," Harry clears his throat when he can breathe again. “Don’t ignore me again. Please. I can’t. I-"

Harry hears the little whimper that Louis emits and then there’s a nose being squished into his neck, a hand holding onto his shirt tight.

When they’ve cleaned up and they’re about to leave. Louis presses a quick kiss to Harry’s lips.

"Come over tonight?"

Harry just about manages to speak past the lump stuck in his throat. “Yeah. Okay."

 

****

 

It’s better this time. Less clumsy. Harry arches his back as Louis takes him into his mouth, and Louis’ hands clamp down on his hips to stop him pushing up too far. He keeps Harry right on the brink of his orgasm and makes him wait until Harry is almost sobbing with how good it feels, how right it is to have Louis hovering over him, pushing slowly into his body until it feels like they’ve become one person, that’s just how close they are. Louis’ strokes are even and slow and Harry locks his legs around his waist and pulls him deeper, closer against him. Louis kisses him breathless and Harry can’t think, can’t make any sense of his thoughts, all he knows are those lips pressed to his and the fire building in the pit of his stomach-

He comes with a cry and sob, and Louis follows him, groaning Harry’s name and then he goes still and falls on top of him. Harry tries to keep him inside but before long it gets uncomfortable and they shift and roll until they’re lying side by side, breathing each others air.

Louis eyes are fluttering shut, but he doesn’t miss the way Harry bumps his nose against his and whispers “I love you" against his lips. A kiss is pressed to Harry’s forehead, an arm pulls him closer and the same is whispered back to him, and then they’re falling.

 

****

 

For a while, things are good between them, Harry spends a lot of his time at Louis’ house. They study together, watch films, and talk about everything and anything. Harry realises how little he knows about Louis, but he learns quickly about his favourite bands, books, classes, places to go, tv programmes, everything. They spend a lot of their time naked, mapping out each others bodies with their mouths, their hands, until Harry almost knows Louis’ body better than his own. Each of them learn what the other likes, and Harry quickly discovers that although having Louis inside him is one of the best things he knows, being inside Louis is almost as good.

They have to keep up the act at school, of course. Harry still walks around holding hands with Melanie and Louis spends all of his time in the library, but they catch each others eye in the hallway, conversing with their eyes, secrets silently passing between them. Soon exams are over, and the Summer Ball is the thing that is buzzing around the school; it’s all Melanie talks about.

Harry notices that Louis gets antsy, he’s fidgety whenever they’re together. Nothing has changed in the time they spend in bed, but it’s when they’re not having sex that Harry notices how Louis doesn’t hold his hand anymore when they sit in front of the tv, how he pulls away from Harry’s hugs just a few seconds too early. He’s uneasy, the niggling feeling in his stomach makes him anxious.

 

****

 

It comes out one day, when they’re lying in bed, Louis’ head on Harry’s chest.

"I was thinking," he starts. "…Maybe you and I could go to the ball. Like, together."

Harry’s quiet, processing his words.

"Lou," he says, but Louis can already hear the answer in his tone. He sits up, disentangling their arms and legs so they’re no longer touching.

"This is our chance to tell everyone about us. It’s a good opportunity, Harry."

"We’ve been through this before, Lou." Harry says tiredly. He’s not ready, Louis knows that.

"I think it’s a good idea."

Harry’s already shaking his head. “You know I can’t."

"Because of Melanie?" Louis folds his arms across his chest.

"No. Yes. Kind of. I’ve said I’ll go with her."

Louis looks away, shaking his own head slightly. “So you’re choosing her over me. Again."

"This isn’t about choosing-"

"Then what is it about?"

"Fuck, Louis! I don’t want to, okay? I don’t want to tell everyone! Do you know what that would do to me? To my reputation!? If they found out I was dating a guy they’d destroy me! I’d lose everything I have!"

Louis eyebrows shoot up his face. “I see," he says quietly.

Harry shoves a hand though his hair. “Louis-"

"I think you should go," Louis cuts him off, arms coming up to cover his bare chest, eyes fixed on the duvet.

"Look, I didn’t mean-"

"Now, please."

Harry laughs, a shaky exhale of disbelief, “Louis-"

"Just go, Harry."

Louis turns away from him, swinging his legs out of bed and sitting on the edge with his back to him. Harry stares at him for good few minutes, half-expecting him to turn around and say he’s sorry, pull him back down under the covers, but he doesn’t. He’s so still, it’s like he’s not even breathing. So Harry wills his limbs to work, mechanically pulling on his clothes, his shoes. He pauses at the door, looks over his shoulder, but Louis still hasn’t moved. Harry has his mouth open, as if he's going to speak, but nothing comes so he just shuts the door carefully behind him. He stays there for a few minutes, forehead resting on the wooden door, listening to the heavy breathing and sniffling coming from the other side, wondering how the hell it all went wrong so quickly.

 

****

 

Harry goes to the ball with Melanie. She does look beautiful, and she’s matched Harry’s outfit to hers perfectly. They look good together, and it’s almost certain that they’ll win the ‘King and Queen of the Ball’ title. Harry dances with her, but he can’t help but scan the room, looking for Louis. He’s not there. He doesn’t turn up, no matter how many times Harry looks at the doors and wills him to walk in.

The night draws on. They win King and Queen, of course, and Melanie preens and poses while Harry stands stiffly next to her, wearing a ridiculous crown on his head. After what feels like thousands of photos Harry manages to escape, slipping out of the gym doors to get some air.

"Hi," a voice says, and Harry looks around.

Louis is standing there, looking absolutely incredible in a black tux, hair swept to the side, biting his lip nervously. Harry suddenly feels weak at the knees.

"Lou," he breathes, walking over to him.

"Congratulations." Louis gestures to his head, and Harry remembers and yanks the crown off in disgust, dropping it on the floor next to them.

"Lou," he says. “I’m so sorry for what I said, I didn’t mean it, honestly-"

Louis holds up a hand. “It doesn’t matter," Louis says, and smiles softly. “I only came here to see you."

Harry’s shoulders sag in relief, and he moves forward to take Louis in his arms.

Louis backs away.

"Harry," he takes a deep breath. “I’m leaving."

Suddenly, everything for Harry stops. The background noise from the gym fades quickly and all he can hear are those words. Leaving.

"Leaving? You’re leaving?" he croaks. “Where are you going?"

"America."

Harry huffs a laugh at the absurdity of that statement, shaking his head in disbelief. "America? Why? For a holiday?" Please please please, he thinks, only for a holiday, only for a little while.

"Four months."

"Four…months." Harry repeats slowly. Louis could have told him he was moving away for four years for how long four months feels.

Louis nods, nibbling his bottom lip between his teeth, eyes tight. “I'm going to be a counsellor, at a Summer Camp."

"Summer Camp," Harry repeats again, rubbing the point between his eyebrows that’s starting to ache. “And why the hell do you need to go and do that? Did your parents decide? You don’t have to go, you know, not if you don’t want to…"

"It was my decision," Louis says. “I think. I think that we…we need some time apart." Harry is already shaking his head, but Louis soldiers on. “I need some time, to work out what I want, and you, Harry, you need some time to work out who you are."

"I know who I am, thanks," Harry says shakily, “I don’t need any time."

"Well then I do." Louis takes a shaky breath. “I don’t want to hide anymore. I’m tired. I’m tired of sneaking around. You can’t… I don’t think you can give me what I want."

"No, no you’re wrong," Harry says quickly, “I can, really, I can. What do you want? I’ll do it. I’ll come out, I’ll tell everyone about us," he rushes. "Just please, I need you to help me do it, yeah? So you can’t go to summer camp, because I need you here."

"No, no." Louis eyes are too bright. “I know you, Harry. You’ll always be worried about what people think, you’ll be too scared to tell them you love me. Because you do, I know you do, and I love you too-"

"Then why are you leaving me?" Harry's voice comes out sounding slightly strangled.

"Because I can’t be with somebody like that. I came out of the closet once, I’m not going back in. Not even for you."

"I’ll tell everyone!" Harry says, “I’ll go in there, break up with Melanie and tell them all right now!"

"You won’t," Louis shakes his head sadly. “And I deserve better than this, Harry."

"Lou, don’t." But Louis is turning away, and Harry can’t take in what’s happening, he doesn’t understand.

"Wait," he pleads, clamping a hand down on Louis shoulder. “Wait. Tell me what to do. Go on. Tell me what I need to do. I’ll do it. Just, fuck, please, please, don’t go."

Louis turns to face him slowly. “I can’t. You need time, Harry. Just," he comes closer. "Look after yourself while I’m gone, yeah? Do some thinking." And then he presses his lips to Harry’s in a gentle kiss. Harry’s arms immediately snake around his waist, holding him tight, pressing his mouth harder onto Louis’. If he can’t make Louis stay with words, he has to try another way.

He pressures Louis back until they’re leaning on the cold brick wall of the gym and presses the length of his body to Louis’, prising his mouth open, pushing his tongue in. It’s rough and out of control but Harry can’t help it. Louis is letting little sounds of pleasure out into Harry’s mouth, but Harry can feel him slowly slipping away.

So he breaks the kiss, bending his knees slightly so he’s on Louis’ level, taking in his flushed cheeks, his trembling bottom lip. “Stay," he pleads. “I can’t do this if you don’t help me. America is a long way away, Lou, I need you here. You can’t go, you can’t." He’s fully aware of how weak, needy and pathetic he sounds, but he can’t find it in him to care, he just needs Louis to stay.

"Harry," Louis says, and his eyes are squeezed shut. “Let me go."

It’s only then, with a sickening feeling, that Harry know he’s lost. There’s nothing he can do to make him stay. Reluctantly he steps back, freeing Louis, and the other boy straightens up, smoothing out his suit.

"Louis, please," Harry says quietly, shaking his head. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. This isn’t it. They’re supposed to spend the summer together, supposed to walk out of school at the end of term with hands clasped between them. This isn’t how it should go.

"Four months is a long time," Louis says in a low voice, cupping a hand on Harry’s cheek. “Maybe you’ll figure out what you want and meet someone over the summer…"

Harry closes his eyes, trying to block out his words. “That’s how little you think of me?" he asks. Louis doesn’t reply.

"I love you," he murmurs, because that’s the only thing he has left to offer.

"I love you too," Louis says, and kisses the corner of his mouth softly. “A hell of a lot."

But then there’s no hand on his cheek anymore, and the evening air stings a little in the place where it was. Footsteps grow quieter, more distant, until Harry is left alone in the quiet.

He opens his eyes, waits there, just in case Louis jumps out at him and yells ‘Gotcha!’, but deep down he knows that won’t happen. His head is shouting to follow him, but his feet just won’t move, they’re stuck.

Eventually he wills himself to move, but not to follow Louis. Instead he turns in the opposite direction and walks away.

 

****

 

The next day he sees Melanie, who screams and cries at him for disappearing and ruining their evening. He breaks up with her there and then, tells her he’s found someone else, shamefully leaves her crying on her doorstep before he’s running, taking shortcuts he knows to get to Louis house because maybe, just maybe, Louis hasn’t left yet, and this will convince him to stay. He tries calling him as he runs, but Louis doesn’t pick up.

It’s too late when he gets there, panting and sweaty. Louis is gone.

 

****

 

Four months later, Harry walks into school for the first day of his last year at school. He tries to remain, calm, collected, but it doesn’t work. Louis is back, he’s back in the country, back somewhere in this school. He’s in the same building as Harry for the first time in what feels like years.

Harry’s summer was…strange. It’s not really a summer he’d wish to experience again. If he’s honest (and he’s trying to be, that’s one of his new rules), he’s probably one of the only people who is looking forward to going back to school. Harry’s had enough of crying, enough of thinking; he’s done far too much of that these past months. He just wants something else to do with his brain other than think about himself.

He’d done what Louis had told him to do, and evaluated his life. He came out to his parents, to his friends, to Melanie (who was distraught, thinking she had been the one to turn him) and to his football team. Surprisingly, Melanie was the one to take it the worst; his teammates readily accepted him, for which Harry will be eternally grateful.

At the end of the school day he jogs out on to the pitch for football practise. They’re just doing warm up laps of the field when Harry spots a beanie-wearing boy standing just behind the sidelines. Harry can see his tan from here.

Suddenly there’s a lump blocking his airway, and he can feel all the pain resurfacing. His chest aches a little.

He breaks formation and jogs over. As he gets closer Louis' features get clearer and clearer and Harry can see the blinding smile on his face. He stops in front of him, and they stare at each for a moment, taking each other in. He feels Louis eyes sweeping over his form, and he in turn drinks in how Louis has become toned over the summer, biceps showing through his school shirt; his skin is several shades darker than his own. The sun has made his hair a little lighter, brought out freckles on his nose, and, god, he makes Harry’s heart hurt just to look at him.

"Hello, you." Louis says, grinning.

 

****

 

Three weeks later Harry is in the library, determined not to fall behind on his studies in his final year. He just settling in when a pair of arms snake around his shoulders, a kiss is pressed to the side of his neck.

"Hello," he whispers, twisting his head around for a kiss.

Louis pecks him once and then flops down into the seat next to him. “Hi. What you doing?"

"English," Harry wrinkles his nose. “Due next week."

"Mmn. Not nice."

"No," Harry agrees, leaning in to fit his mouth against Louis' properly. They kiss softly, slowly, and Harry is just considering pulling Louis into his lap when the librarian walks by, clearing her throat. They pull apart and she raises her eyebrows, but there’s a twinkle in her eye that they both smile at.

"Hey," Harry says when she’s gone. “You wanna come over tonight?"

"What, again?" Louis asks, leaning in, lips brushing the shell of Harry’s ear and making him shudder, “I was only there last night."

Harry shrugs. “Making up for lost time."

Louis only looks at him for a minute before he’s kissing him deeply, a hand curled round Harry’s neck . When they pull back there’s a glint in Louis eyes that Harry knows all too well.

"Two minutes. Second floor bathrooms." He whispers in Harry’s ear, then he’s off, bag swinging behind him as he hurries out of the library. Harry’s already on his feet, frantically shoving his books back into his bag.

Studies can wait.

 

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and feedback are love :)
> 
> Title comes from the The XX's song 'Angels'.


End file.
